Have you ever thought about what makes you feel loved, wanted, and needed? We aren’t asked this question very often and usually spend very little time thinking about it. Some may view this question as selfish, since we are taught to put the needs of others above our own. As a result, we sometimes don’t even know what it is that would make us feel loved!
Why can’t we have both? Why can’t we be thoughtful and attentive to the needs and wants of our loved ones and feel fulfilled and appreciated ourselves? It’s possible with a new perspective and some unlearning of old thought patterns. Here are two ways that can be helpful in starting to learn what makes you feel loved, wanted and needed.
Track your emotions/feelings
Starting to pay attention to how you feel in different situations and environments can help you become aware of what makes us feel loved. This can be done by journaling or cataloging your feelings throughout the day as they come up, or at the end of the day reflecting back on your experiences. If you are new to learning about what makes you feel loved and appreciated, here are some things to start noticing throughout the day:
- Something makes you smile
- You notice an action had a lot of thought behind it
- Something makes you feel calm
- A physical touch that makes you feel warm
- You feel relaxed in a particular space
- When you don’t feel stressed or worried
This doesn’t have to be done in a journal format if that doesn’t feel like something you would realistically do. You can jot it down in the notes app on your phone or even just dedicate a few moments during the day to think about it and make a mental note. Once you start to see a pattern or can recognize when you are feeling loved and appreciated, try to seek out this feeling. You can do this by expressing your needs to someone in your life, spending more time in the environment that you enjoy, or starting to remove or reduce the things that did not make the list.
Take the Love Languages Quiz
A love language is how you give and receive love and it is unique to each person. Dr. Gary Chapman has determined that there are 5 categories of love languages: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts and Acts of Service. If you are trying to learn what makes you feel loved and appreciated, you can take a quiz and find out which categories you score the highest in.
You can take this quiz if you are single and looking to learn more about yourself and connect with your loved ones in a more meaningful way: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/singles-quiz
You can take this quiz if you are in a relationship and want to learn more about how you give and receive love to improve your connection and intimacy with your partner. Both partners can complete the quiz and discuss your results! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/couples-quiz
How do you show others you care?
The relationships that we have with our friends, intimate partners, co-workers, family members etc. are often all unique. The way we act, communicate and relate within those relationships can be different depending on our experiences with the other person. As a result, how we show people we care will look different in each relationship. Take a look below at two general ways that we can show others we care.
Active Listening
One of the most important communication skills, and a way to show someone else we care about them, is to actively listen to what they are saying. I know you may be thinking “I always listen to people when they speak” and that may be true. Even if you have your phone away, TV off and the kids are in bed, there’s still a chance you aren’t really hearing what someone is saying. The first question to ask yourself is “Am I listening to respond, or am I listening to understand?” This can be one of the hardest questions to answer, because of course, we want to think that we are always aiming to understand. It can be hard to do this. Sometimes when people are sharing with us, we hear the first sentence or two and then we start to think about our response in our head and miss the rest of what they are saying. Even if we are maintaining eye contact, nodding along and presenting as if we are listening.
In order to engage in active listening, you need to let the other person know that you are hearing what they are saying. This can be done by reflecting on what the person has said by using startups like “What I’m hearing you saying is…” or “It sounds like you are feeling…”. You can also indicate you have been actively listening by asking questions to further understand what they are saying or to clarify their meaning. You can also try paraphrasing or summarizing what you just heard the person say and then ask “is that right?” or “is that what you meant/how you are feeling?” This will indicate to another person that you care about what they are saying and want to ensure you understand what they are conveying to you.
Ask them what makes them feel cared for
It may seem quite simple and it can be very effective. This is similar to the concept of love languages mentioned earlier in this article. Our version of showing care or love to someone may be very different from how they receive it. If we continue to give our partner gifts like flowers, or picking up their favourite chocolate bar because that’s what we would like our partner to do for us, then are we really showing them we care? The intention behind our actions may be good, however the message we are sending is not being received. Perhaps all they really want is to hear that they are doing a good job, or for you to unload the dishwasher, even if it isn’t your turn, when you notice they’ve had a tough day. When we ask others how we can show them we care, we are showing them that it is important to us that they feel loved. This can be beneficial for all our relationships. In our jobs, how can we make our co-workers feel supported? How can we let our family members know we think of them often despite the physical distance there may be between us? This can lead to valuable conversations about communication within relationships.
Take stock of the things that make you feel loved and cared for, share this with others, and remember to take time to prioritize your needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup!
By Sarah Green
KMFRC