Many couples and families struggle to communicate positively and successfully, and end up feeling disconnected from one another. An important first step in resolving this issue is knowing how loved ones prefer to give and receive love and recognition. This concept was popularized in counselor Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages1 (and adapted for the professional realm in The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People2). Dr. Chapman believes that each of us favours at least one of the following love languages: Words of Affirmation; Acts of Service; Receiving Gifts; Quality Time; and Physical Touch. An awareness of these preferences creates a greater sense of connection, and prevents feelings of resentment (“I brought home a gift – why aren’t they more grateful?”), or being misunderstood (“I need to hear that they care – why did they give me a present?”).
If you’re unsure of your own profile or your loved ones’ preferences, you can find short assessments for children, teens, single adults, or couples at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes Here is a simple overview of each love language:
A person with Words of Affirmation as a primary language likes to hear “I love you” and “I appreciate you”. Specific compliments, acknowledgement for their efforts, and affectionate texts will also communicate that you care for them.
If their primary language is Acts of Service, your partner will feel loved and understood if you recognize their workload, and make an effort to help. This could be as simple as getting up early to make breakfast, or taking on an additional household chore without being asked.
You might think someone hopes for big-ticket items, if their primary language is Receiving Gifts. In fact, they’re likely to be moved by thoughtful and personalized gestures, like you bringing home their favourite treat, or ordering materials to help with a class or hobby.
If a loved one’s primary language is Quality Time, you can show you care by listening without distractions, sharing meals, planning regular date nights, or exploring new parts of your city together.
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch will appreciate various forms of intimacy, even standing or sitting closely together, holding hands, or enjoying a back rub. Children who prefer this love language often seek out hugs, and appreciate reassuring shoulder pats or squeezes.
Wishing you much love and connection, especially during Heart Month!
References:
1. Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages: the Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing, 2015.
2. Chapman, Gary and Paul White. The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace:
Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People. Northfield Publishing, 2019.
3. 5 Love Languages. Northfield Publishing and Grooters Productions, 2021. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages Accessed 14 January 2021.
by Leigh Wood Landry
KMFRC